NYPD Creates Special Character-Actor Task Force in Wake of Steve Buscemi Atack in ‘SNL’ Season Finale

Apparent members of the “Organization to Hinder Harmful Incidents in Manhattan” task force
The New York Police Department, in the wake of an attack by a homeless man on actor Steve Buscemi, announced the creation of a special task force to combat what it termed assaults on “actors whose faces you can remembers, but names you cannot.” Character actors are easily recognizable, yet indistinguishable, actors who plays unusual, interesting, or eccentric characters.
At a faux NYPD news conference on the season finale of the 49th season of Saturday Night Live and hosted by Sergeant Jeffrey Doogle, portrayed by host Jake Gyllenhaal, the actor spoke about the latest crisis.
“New York City has a lot to be proud of,” the news conference  The Nicks are good. The Rangers are good. And the Mets are uh trying their best.”
“Summer is coming up and we are seeing an increase in random acts of violence across our streets,” Gyllenhaal said in a manner indistinguishable from a real NYPD spokesman. “ Just this week, national treasure Steve Buscemi was punched while walking through Kips Bay.”
“I have one important message: Stop Punching Character Actors in the Face,” he explained.  “Character actors are being targeted,” he continued.
“These types of attacks cannot and will not be tolerated,” he underscored.
Character actor Steve Buscemi was punched in the face on a Manhattan street ten days ago and, on Friday, the attacker, Clifton Williams, a 50-year-old homeless man, was arrested by the department.
Buscemi’s costar in the television series “Boardwalk Empire,” actor Michael Stuhlbarg, was attacked with a rock by a homeless man near Central Park on the Upper East Side on March 31 of this year.
Meanwhile, at the press conference, the press corps squealed “Oh, that guy!” with delight, as the NYPD displayed actor Stuhlbarg’s face.
“You may be a character actor if you’ve ever been on the TV show Boardwalk Empire,” he said, or “[Y]ou have a face that makes casting directors go, ‘Oh interesting,’” or “[Y]our IMDB page has over 100 entries, but all your characters just have a first name,” or “[Y]ou’ve ever done a three-episode arc on a TV show whose title is just letters,” he continued, as the NYPD AV system displayed the logos from television series “SVU,” “CSI,” and “NCIS.”
Not to worry, Gyllenhaal explained, the NYPD was on the case. The department would offer protection to character actors we know are at risk, for example by assigning a security detail to Stephen Root.
The department also announced the formation of a task force, dubbed the “Organization to Hinder Harmful Incidents in Manhattan,” or, “Oh, him.”
At the end of the news conference, “Mad Men” actor Jon Hamm, who had been quietly sitting in the press corps, raises his hand for one question. “Would an actor like Jon Hamm have to be worried?”, he asked.  Without missing a beat, Gyllenhaal had a snappy reply: “No, I think you’re fine,” much to Hamm’s relief, who said “I can’t get punched. Not this beautiful face. Without that, I’m just a tall guy with a perfect body.”
A final question comes from a reporter portrayed by Heidi Gardner, who asks why the NYPD cares so much about character actors.
“Because they’re the lifeblood of the entertainment industry,” Gyllenhaal says solemnly. “Without character actors, who would be the one person who would stand up in a crowd and say, ‘Get him, Spiderman!’ Or who would play the TSA officer who says, ‘Shut up and kiss her already.’? There people didn’t become actors by being beautiful. They became actors by being good at acting. So please, next time you see a character actor on the street, don’t punch him. Google him.”
(Photo: Accura Media Group)